lumbering through

head hollow and heavy

allowing the onerous air
of never having learned to be 14
fill the vacancy of some vital organ’s removal

convalescing from the peak's drop

where edits mirrored worsen this affliction
and the suffocating silence of the everyday
hinders rudimentary distinctions

resolve misplaced

in the bedlam of my solicitous nature
always ‘overdone’
attempting ‘too’ much
‘too’ hard
‘too’ soon
beyond the limits of ‘normalcy’

Normal and its inability to fathom

the discourse among the cranks and cogs

where conversations

with the back of your head
via previously recorded transmissions
reveal a multitude of counterfeits
and I am figured once again
to stand amongst the loathed

plodding environments of foreign methods

when met, flashes of comparisons
contribute to the reckoning of falsehoods
and my truth is pulled from the ranks of the wretched
though not to your understanding

so I sit here in the company of grey lives

10 feet away from one of the many
lusting for the blade that scored my expectations
revealing the deep purpling magenta
of my actuality

bellowing closed mouthed

where the reverberations of such shrill frequencies
flay the cords of my tone
rivaling the song of swine at slaughter
in an attempt to remind myself of that hue

my passions and true clout reach deep

beyond the niceties of pubescents
I ditched class the day the kids sat mesmerized
to run wild with the purveyors of
sensation
enchantment
and the ethereal

how to approach my now greying fingertips

complacent in maintenance of this grizzled life

as the dream seer saw

a profession as death’s doula
owning the absence of fear
in the dismissal of this fleshy function

I read it further as my time here is now

drawing to its close
these energies no longer carrying a true shine
muddled by the distance and convolution in the figuring

how to revive a seed having gathered decades of dust

upon an abandoned shelf

will that dust compact itself and act as nurturing soil

comprised of dead skin cells and space rock

how do I encapsulate your stance
underneath thunderheads of sheet mold
the life grown out of a temporarily fixed milieu

to prolong the burgeoning

fleck

the filter of smoldering landscapes
tinges the environment I traipse
among ominous illuminations
speckled in falling ash
dusting my recent days
in amnesia
the sun
the hue of fading ember
cauterizes the blood pathways
which oozed since cracked open on Kester
furnishing a solid bead of burnt crimson

paused in a queer sort of admiration
I am witness to
the amount
in duration
and the deep chasm carved

I find myself plunged

the defunct relapse
instigates a constant pressure
behind my sight and inwardly
towards my filtering function

nudged into recalling
the vague notion
of childlike tantrum
and unapologetic dismissal

as suddenly as it approached
this hindering flux evaporates

it is but a fleck
just as you wished




"And I do recall that my very best friends were the ones who left me empty and ready to be filled again."

aquamarine

sipping in the quiet repose

amidst your profuse drip

the stillness within a perceived experience

leaves its mark

flowing on the off beat

queuing the dip in your hip

illumination below the cap

pulled away to desiccate the fountain of your brow

strikes the depth of my curiosity

you let loose a beam amid the concentration

figuring the tweeking in the decibels

maneuvering the course of uninhibited frequencies

making the bodies bounce

moments of me watching you watching me

the interlude in which I muster the approach

to the filed rabbit toothed grin

and your voice, soft and delicate

inviting and warm

a pill held out in your hand

in the hopes of some sort of collision

I swallow, trusting

and the night’s end is delayed

the ecstatic pull between us

the flutter of read sweetnesses

terms of endearment I’ve never owned

invitation to collapse in a slumbering embrace

nesting the landscape of your environment

welcoming me to swim your aquamarine

let’s drag out this anticipation

until the monotony of a good thing

breaks the tension

and this wondrous energy dissipates

leaving us to pursue the pinnacle of these palpitations

and the glimpse of something good

in someone new

ebb and flow caught in stagnation AKA pity party

Rib cage cracked
Skull sawed open
Yet I walk
I speak
I fumble
Bleeding
Lay myself before all
Under construction
Dreaming of the moment my presence remains a delight
Where the fissures and scaffolding are not visible
Where my wool flannel bandages do not catch the light and cause
the tone
the wincing
The repulsion made commonplace in my stead
No friend,
I do not find these never-ending transfusions amusing
Blunt is my experience
Grace has never been my bedfellow
These tubes and clamps holding me
scrape your skin
trip you upon your approach
All I have to give you as your respite
is my back as I fade out of your view
into another attempt at being

March 25 2016 at 7:24am

A note to self from my selves

i remember this place...
i can't say i'm happy it's visiting. but i guess it's here because it's time to go through and heal it. i honestly forgot about these cracks.
i recognize i've fallen into them when people i respect are blatant in their conclusion that i'm nothing more than a sad joke...it's so hard not to agree with them...and then it's too late.

lesson learned...always the hard way

       pull yourself out of the ugliness

i stopped fighting it. it hangs around in all of its shameless clangor and i'm here, engulfed, hoping no one will notice.

but they did, and do, and now you're an embarrassment...a spectacle which is testimony only to its own defeat...something to avoid...someone to disregard...a wasted moment in a soon to be forgotten past.

       never lose sight of yourself.

the bog overwhelmed me...stifled my senses and i lost my grip.

i let go.

September 22, 2011 at 5:03am 

brunt

a now unattainable means

of vehemently progressing through the hours

urges me forward

the conjurings of my desperation present

the brume of a hand reaching towards

in a gesture of guidance out of a stifling dark

as I stretch to meet its wispy extremity

in a sudden rush of awareness

I find myself teetering on a precipice

lingering in awe and hesitance

as witness to this vantage and visitant

under the weight of my own volition

or the employment of dysrationalia

I grasp the rocky edge with my bare feet

and lean toward the void

having heard the exhortations of 

the hovering council

yet uneager to take any admonition to heart

I stare out into tenebrous possibility

motionless

the potential of such heights 

sensed to the pit of my core

affects my stance

I motion backward 

wavering in my assurances

panicked in doubt

I turn to face where logic tells me

there is a foothold

I turn 

to the absence of air

amulet

did you feel it
when I showed you

a key of sorts 

to the shackles of my
self-clinched misapprehension

befuddled by the machines
of our burgeoning

fully contented in the besmirching
of my better judgment

the basic allure
of freshly khurkried timber
and melodic prose
inveigling those on the otherside
into a servitude 
keeping the famished animal of Longing
as the means to a will
blinded to every foreboding précis
by the sheer possibility 
of potential camaraderie
I set free
these dark creatures
hobbled by the mechanisms

did you feel it

the release of the power 
i unwittingly bestowed
within the clutches of this 
perfunctory enrapture
having obliterated the recollections
of the collective
perpetual
reductive 
rote 

the murder
unzipped
out of the brain cage
to caw and inumbrate
the tracks of you

a gloriously deafening flight of shadows

as you trample your way
into a protracted fugue

temperament of the obtuse

upon admiring your own reflection

it is certain
the mythos contents

the deluded self entitlement

this farce affords

takes you 

gratified
into the stagnant
complacent
somnolence of cognition
vast multitudes
of wasted energies
occupy

the cycle stymies
any possible progressions
toward lucidity

the vapid role embraced
leaves for want

offering
only
the
challenge of
being disengaged
from
its
perpetual
insolence

it is a common hopscotch
of easily read
easily fed

when the approach dissolves

a rigid facade

a mere muddle
is sensed

simple language designates
your convoluted course

exist in your pontifical character
without demur

those who truly see
will no longer merit
the vacuous energies
you have conceded among

those who do not
will occupy the empty space
within you
indentured to mollify
the pique 

scale of 1-10: the suffocating irritations of the apathetic in quandary

enthusiasms of my constitution overwhelm

and I encounter the consequence of your self-care

as solicitations to convene are trammeled

in a preemptive

disparaging

inquisition

recollections of sobby Sufistic* slurrings

enshroud the pretense of concern

you equivocate

and I must rate

the gradient of me you may tolerate

wherein I am the distresser

and you

the diaphanously delicate petal

wilting at the exposure of the ever fluxing experience of me

poised to weed any taxing envelopments

the nature of said inquest goads a humorous reflexivity

wherein the veracity of such a report is at most, tenuous

for neither you nor I can be pinned to such charts of legitimacy

though should we venture to claw beyond umbilical scarring

digging past the upper and lower mantle of our potential

there we may find the essence of our own mutability

to where our convoluted connections of understanding are recognized

and we no longer need to react

in fear

as these insufferable times engineer

the carreening of our energies

to where you

will soon wander

the state above

to lose the account

of your own regard






*Mostly fanaa, yet thought as somewhere between ghanood and adraak, though shahood has been noted. (As the undoctrinated facetiously references stages of Muraqaba, with as much respect as possible.)









“Credulous at best, your desire to believe in angels in the hearts of men.

Pull your head on out your hippy haze and give a listen.

Shouldn't have to say it all again.

The universe is hostile. so Impersonal. devour to survive.

So it is. So it's always been.”